Allow me to introduce myself...

Hi, I'm K.

I had this idea the other day. What if I started a journal about this process from my point of view that I could give to my sister in law to add to her blog when this process was all said and done.

I approached her with my idea and she suggested we co-write her blog.

This is my story:

I'm a "40ish" year old woman who was recently told that I couldn't have children. I've always known I've wanted children. A lot of them.

My husband and I waited to marry until later in life. I was busy building my career, traveling, and quite frankly, dating the wrong men.

My husband and I figured it'd take a little time to become pregnant, but, I was overly optimistic we'd have no problem conceiving. When, after several months of trying to get pregnant we weren't, I decided to try one of our local fertility clinics. Our friends had used this clinic-twice-with beautiful results. Perfect! We're on our way to being 3, then, God willing, 4. Wrong.Again.

I went through several months of blood tests, ultrasounds, and hystero-salpingograms only to be told I was "perimenopausal". What?! I was almost inconsolable. How could that be? I'm healthy. I workout regularly, eat well, don't smoke or do drugs, and drink alcohol in moderation. Why me? There are millions of women everywhere my age and older who have children. I was told my only options were adoption or egg donation.

My husband urged me to get a 2nd opinion. Turns out, he really didn't care for the Dr at the fertility clinic we had been to. I was floored. My husband likes everyone. I agreed to get a 2nd opinion, but I procrastinated.

Fast forward several months. I got the dreaded question from my brother: "hey, are you guys trying to get pregnant? What's up? Why aren't you pregnant yet?" Ugh. I had to tell him. Of course. So, I took a deep breath and did my best to calmly and without crying(my brother HATES crying) tell him my sad news. I made him promise to keep my secret. For 2 reasons. #1. I should be the one to tell my sister in law(his wife). #2 I have a family member(who we'll refer to as X) who can be extremely cruel, and who, quite frankly, I'm not up to dealing with.

I start the process of telling my sister in law. Like any great sister in law, she asks lots of questions and is very supportive. I inform her about being told of my two options: egg donation and adoption.

In all honesty, when I was told a year ago I'd need an egg donor and asked if I'd had any sisters who could give me some of their eggs, I'd immediately thought of my sister in law. She's the mother of 2 perfect children. But no, I couldn't ask her to do that. I'm not one to ask for things. Plus, I'm a medical professional. I have a slight idea of what the process is and what's involved. It's too much to ask.

I was speechless when she offered me her eggs. Her reasoning: I have them. You don't. You need them. I don't, so, take mine.

How do you thank someone for the gift they're willing to give you? How do you show them the depths of your gratitude?

It's such a great comfort to my husband and I to know our egg donor rather than using an anonymous donor.

I have many theoretical dilemmas. If this process is successful, what do I tell my children about their aunt? Their cousins? When do I tell them? What about the repercussions/fall out of not wanting family member X knowing the truth? The effects of this person knowing would be far reaching, complicated, and quite possibly devastating.

Armed with a renewed hope and medical records from fertility clinic A, I made an appointment at fertility clinic B. I have to say, I like this Dr so much more than the last Dr who treated me. He's thorough, genuine, and speaks to me on a level I can relate to. He patiently answered all the questions I, my husband, sister in law and brother had. He helped me research the fertility clinics in my sister in law's area to help us choose the best one for both of us.

There will be shots, pills, ultrasounds, plane rides, minor operative procedures. Can I really ask my sister in law to make such a large sacrifice? For me? Am I being selfish? I feel guilty. Guilty for my sister in law and what's to come. Guilty for my brother, and their children and the effects this will have on their lives. Guilty for my husband and that I've failed him as a wife and a woman. Guilty for my sweet and adoring mother in law that I can't giver her the grandchildren she prays for daily.

The waiting continues. We wait for me to start my period again so I can start taking estrogen and progesterone to get my uterus ready in anticipation of implanting a fertilized egg. Waiting for my sister in law to get her period so she can be tested to make sure her eggs are a viable option.

I'm afraid. Afraid of getting my hopes up. Afraid of being pregnant. Afraid I won't be a good mother. Afraid that if something tragic were to happen to my husband and I, I'd want only my brother and sister in law to raise my children, but would that be way too much to ask of them?

This has been a long post. Subsequent posts will be shorter. My sister in law and I felt it important to share my story too, so now you know it.

Thank you for reading. Thank you for your prayers and support.

~K